ill start us off lol. did u here about the blond who tryed 2 drown a fish lol.

an irish man walks into a bar..
OUCH!!
at least it wasnt the spire

looooool
added that last bit myslef :D

Paddy is sitting trying to catch fish through the ice when he hears a loud booming voice say '' THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE '' Paddy says '' Is that you God ? '' The voice replies , '' NO YOU THICK IRISH F*****, ITS THE ICE RINK MANAGER '' . :)

There were two blondes, and they had just came from a store.

The blonde that owned the mustang had locked her keys in the car. She was trying to pick the lock when she stoped to rest for a second.

When she sat down, her friend said, "Hurry up, it's starting to rain and the top's down!"

lol

A man is sitting in a bar when a beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear, "I'll do anything you want for £50
He puts his drink down and starts going through his pockets. He pulls out a ten, two five's, a twenty and ten ones.

He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman's hand and says, "Here...paint my house."

2 peanuts walk into a bar
1 was a salted

an obserbvation ironically if you read the packet on a tube of ky jelly (sex lube for yanks) it states that it is not to be taken internally!! what the fook is it for? lmao

what do you get after you eat a dictionary? a thee-sore-arse

These are a sample of some of the texts I get:
Why is a Christmas tree better than a man? It stays up for 12 days & nights, has cute balls, & looks good with the lights on!!!

News alert.The Irish SAS have just stormed into Mumbai zoo and freed all the Ostriches.

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline. Got a call centre in Afghanistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.


You're right I have some very sick friends

Have you heard of the merger between Cadburies and Nestle ?

They plan a few new choccie bars to bring them into the 21st century.

Galaxy and Milkybar will be fused together to make "Gaybar"
Milkyway and Snickers will be fused together to make Milkynickers

And finally after a bit of hooo har lol Crunchie and Bounty will be fused together to make "*unty" lol

And god knows you dont want to know what "Twirl" and Kit Kat" will become lol lol lol

Eeeeewwwwww milkynickers i was eating my tea lol

yo momma so stupid she studied for a blood test

Dyslexic bloke walked into a bra.

what do you call an aligator with a handle?

a handbag :D

lol i made that up!! just right there !!

a midget psychic escaped from prison ...

... the police are looking for a short medium at large

notts county fc JOKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table.
A very attractive blonde woman from Alabama arrived ...
and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play
topless." With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and
yelled, "Come on, baby.... Southern Girl needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down... and squealed...
"YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers... and then picked up her winnings and
her clothes, and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them
asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know... I thought you were watching."
Moral ---
Not all Southerners are stupid.
Not all blondes are dumb.
But, all men..... are men.

lol gd jokes lol.


u here about men in china are havin there c##ks cut off so ladies can make purse's with them n wen u give it a rub u get a suitcase lmao

wow are you sure!!? im off to china get me c**k rubbed never seen it as big as a perse b4!!!

think it still work if its attached to me still!?
would get terribly lonly without hoodney...

A man in his 40s bought a new BMW and was out driving on the interstate at top speed when he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and sped up even more. Then the reality of the situation hit him, "What the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, it is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

whats the difference between my wife and a whulrus..........

1 has whiskers and stinks of fish.....the other is a whulrus!!


........

a priest walks in to a hotel...and upon entry he sees a sign stating 'porn channels available'......he walks up to the receptionist and says ..'ive booked a room..i hope u have disabled porn channel?'.....and she says' no u sick fxxx their just the normal ones!!!!'

whats brown n sticky??

a stick!

whats twice as brown and sticky a stick in a turd hahahaha

What starts with F and Ends in K

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem ?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too !'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal : 'What is 3 x 3 ?'

Harry : '9.'

Principal : 'What is 6 x 6 ?'

Harry : '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal,' Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of ?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have ?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question !

Harry replied : 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks : 'What does a dog do that a man steps into ?'

Harry : 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks : What starts with a C , ends with a T , is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid ?'

Harry : ' Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks :' What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky ?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks : 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs ?'

Harry : 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks : 'What word starts with an ' F ' and ends in ' K ' that means a lot of heat and excitement ?'

Harry : 'Fire truck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,' Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong....

what do women and clouds have in common?
when they leave its a beautiful day

Why is PMS called PMS?

Mad cow disease was already taken

a member of my family died of cjd the human variant of mcd it is very unpleasent to watch a family member go through the stages of this terminal desease and is in no way shape or form anything like a woman with pms this joke has come at a bad time as it was not long since the anaversary of there death and would now only be in there 20's if they were alive today...didnt exspect to be sitting here 15mins wiping my eyes when i came in here today bad taste and bad timing!!!

well 1TO3 i steped in a turd this morning that reminded me of my dog 'lassie' , i did not find this joke funny as it was the aniversary not too long ago of the day i shot her for laying turds everywhere (sniff sniff) ..... i did not expect to be sitting here for 15 hours wiping my sh@t of my feet when i went outside today bad taste even worse smell!!! lol ITS A J-O-K-E u have issues that need resolving if u sit here for this long typing that crap (are u by any chance related to dd more??)

have to agree with notcheatin...its just a joke.....b4 u know it this thread will be a slagging off thread..listing.....

blondes..priests...irish ppl...peanuts...chocolate..and every thing else mentiond...

some ppl MAY me affectd/offended by any one of these jokes..due to personal reasons..1TO3 im sorry to hear about that...but the joke wasnt aimed at you..its a JOKE thread and should be kept for just JOKES..

anton

...yeah, I agree Anton ... and midget escaped pandas

a woman buys a parrot of a lady who owns a brothel the woman asks why she is selling it the lady replys its calls her girls nasty names the punters have learnt it. So the woman takes it home when her daughter walks into the room is shouts w***e dirty w***e they start laffing then the mother comes in the room later it shouts w***e dirty w***e at her. later on her husband walks in it starts shouting alright frank which girl is it to nite

Edit ch75

hahahah lmao very funny doc, reminds me of a true incident in Germany when with the Army.

A sergeant was on the blast after a mess stag night and stumbled into a taxi, he said to driver "can you take me to a good time girl buddy" He replied sure, 10 minutes later he dropped him at his own door.

bhamboxa: I was at a party on Mercury last night.

my Friend: Was it any good?

bhamboxa: No! It was really boring.

my Friend: How come?

bhamboxa: There was no atmosphere.


lol