a little boy wakes up in the middle of the nite hearing sounds comeing from his mother and fathers room so he takes a look the father jumps off the mother wen he see him and sends him to bed the next day the father says to his son if u keep wot u seen last nite a secret and not tell anyone at school a will take you down the toy shop and buy you any toy you want so they went and the little boy picks an expensive watch and says a want that the dad says dont forget if a buy you it you have to keep our secret so he says ok. monday come and the kids at school and his best mate spots the watch and asks how he got it the boy explans to his friend how he got and says if u want a watch like it just catch your mam and dad doing so the little boy waits all nite till he hears them and walks in to the bedroom and the dad says wot do you want the boy says a want a watch the dads says just stand there then

Lmao doc. I done that once and my dad stopped my pocket money. I said why,? he said it would stop me playing poker and looking through windows. He was wrong, I cant play poker for sh..t, but i look through windows lol

One morning mum and dad lying in bed hear son go downstairs, when they hear him shout
"Dad, dad, me budgie's dead!"
"How do you know it's dead son?" shouts dad
"It's laid on it's back with it's legs in the air!"
"Aye, it's dead son, they lie like that so the angel of the lord can carry them up to heaven!"
"Dad, is mum still alive?"
"Yes son, why do you ask?"
"'Cos yesterday while you were at work, she was laid on her back with her legs in the air crying, 'God, I'm coming!" And I reckon she'd have gone if the milkman hadn't been holding her down!"

Sorry if this offends religious people, People with a recently deceased pet, someone, who's partner is having it away on the quiet, People from the noise abatement society or even lactose intolerant sufferers. It's a joke. Sheesh! Gonna have to post disclaimers for everything soon.

...yeah, I agree Anton ... and midget escaped pandas

and assassins

I get terribly upset by assassin jokes

notcheatn had me lmao m8 was very funny story and btw was not angry and yes i no its a joke which is why i didnt bother going to appeals/complaints about it like say gudcards did about a different joke and get it removed i just found it in bad taste due to circumstances swampy new nothing about also the reason i made no attempt to have it removed... personnely i find the mocking comments made more hurtfull than the joke itself the joke itself brought up some bad memories of that time but also good 1s too which was unexspected in a jokes thread forgive me... now on with some jokes a!

Blonde Kidnapper

Once upon a time when a Blonde was hard up for money, she decided to kidnap a child. So the next day she goes to a nearby playground and when nobody is looking, she pulls a random kid behind a tree and says, "You're kidnapped, so be quiet and don't give me any trouble." The little boy, too startled to do anything stands there in shock. The Blonde then pulls out a note that reads:

I am a desperate Blonde hard up for money. I have kidnapped you kid and if you ever want to see him again you arrange for 5,000 dollars in non-sequencial, unmarked bills to be put next to this tree by 12:00 tonight, or else.

She hands the note to the kid and tells him to give it to his mother. The next day the Blonde finds the bag of money next to the tree. Inside the bag is a little note that reads:

Here is the money. How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?

woman & computer

Similiarity between a woman and a computer!
Both can accept a 3.5 inch floppy


Grieving

A man visiting a cemetery heard a second man who was kneeling at a nearby grave crying-out loudly, "Why did you have to die?!!? Why did you have to die?!!?".

The first man was so moved by the other man's obvious pain, that he walked over and lightly placed a comforting hand on the distraught man's shoulder and asked him, "Is this your wife?".

"No", replied the weeping man, "Her first husband!"

Cheating wife

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, She sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

disclaimer~1.TO.3/i didnt write any of these jokes they were found online however i do understand that they might course some affence and am sorry in advance if you would like to file a complaint please feel free to use the following link and your case will be dealt with by an independant advocate as soon as possible thankyou for your time
http://www.thefreepokerroom.com/forum/1_325_0.html

thanks anton, 1TO3 im sorry if i offended or upset you with my comment but at the very start of this thread it CLEARLY says "JOKES" I am also sorry if you lost someone close to you, but if this is true and something so trivial upsets you then perhaps this isnt the place for you?

ok 1TO3 , kewlllll >friends ?? :)

A Queensland drover is overseeing his herd in remote territory when suddenly a brand-new BMW advances out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a designer suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'

The drover looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel Spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says the drover.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car.

Then the drover says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'

'You work for the Government', says the drover.

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required.' answered the drover. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used all kinds of expensive equipment that clearly somebody else paid for, You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows ..
this is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.'

...that was a-moo-sing

2 smugglers discussing how they are going to bring back exotic animals from abroad into another country.
One says to the other "you could tie the snake round your waist and wear it like a belt". "Good idea" said the other man. "What about the chinchillas" said the same man "We can wear them as fur hats" "great" says the other man "your a genius" "Last problem" says the same man "what about the skunk ? " The other man replies "we could stick it down my missus's nickers" "what about the smell" replies the other man, " The other man ponders for a second and then blurts out "well if it dies it dies"

lol lol lol

Man walks into a psychiatrist's office and says, "Doc, you gotta help me." The doctor asks what the problem is. The man says, "Yesterday I thought I was a wigwam, today I think I'm a tipi." The doctor looks at the man and says, "You have to relax. You're too tense."

Horse walks into a bar and sits down. Bartender says, "Hey, buddy. Why the long face?"

Man walks into a psychiatrist's office and says, "Doc, you gotta help me." The doctor asks what the problem is. The man says, "I think I'm Tom Jones." The doctor says, "It's not unusual."

lol gd jokes lol

jesus goes to an inn and hands the inn keeper 3 nails and says can you put me up for the night!? hehehe i do like the film the crow funny


Three nuns in church on a hot day decide to remove their robes because of the heat. Not an unusual habit on a hot day. So about a half hour later, the door bell rings while their robes are slumped over pews clear across the huge chapel.

They ask who it is. "The blind man," a voice replies.

The three nuns decide to simply open the door because the man is blind. He walks in, looks at the nuns and says, "Nice tits! Where do you want me to install these blinds?"


Four nuns were standing in line at the gates of heaven. Peter asks the first if she has ever sinned. "Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she said. "Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," Peter told her. Peter then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned. "Well, once I held a man's penis," she replied. "Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," he said. Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun. Peter asked her, "Why did you push ahead in line?" She said, "Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!"

A woman had two female parrots who were always yelling, "We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?" One day, she was talking to her Preacher about this. He said he had two male parrots and all they did was read the Bible. He thought perhaps they would be a good influence on the two females. So they put the four parrots together. So, the females yelled at the male parrots, "We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?" One male parrot said to the other, "Put the Bibles away! We've made it to heaven!"

Two nuns cycling down a cobbled street. The first one says "I've never come this way before"; the second one replies "Must be the cobbles"

lol tc have fun and there jokes ppl ok hahaha

What's the difference between a goldfish and a goat ?

a goldfish mucks around in fountains.

This guy was flying down the road and he comes over a bridge.

Sure enough, a cop with a radar gun is sitting on the other side of the bridge and pulls him over.

The cop walks up to the guy's car and asks, "Hey buddy, what's the hurry?"

The guy says, "I'm late for work."

"What do you do?"

The guy responds, "Well, I'm a rectum stretcher."

The cop says, "Huh? A rectum stretcher?"

The guy says, "Yeah.

I start with a finger, then work my way up to two fingers... eventually I get a hand in, then both hands, and I slowly stretch it until it's about six feet wide."

The cop asks, "What the hell do you do with a six-foot a*****e?"

"Well, you give him a radar gun and park him at the end of a bridge..."

A man in Australia calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery is enough.

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says. 'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Ireland and tell her.'

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like hell they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this,'
She calls Australia immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he says, 'they're coming for Christmas and they're paying their own way.'

notcheatn yes friends np m8 :)

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots
the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager
shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."


A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh, I see," replied the boy pensively. "I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

?Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then, who are these for?" "Those are for college men, "the dad answers. "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "Then, who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, ?Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March....."

Two strangers are sitting in an adjacent seats in airplane.

One guy says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?"

The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about nuclear power?"

The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first:

"A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets, the cow, big patties, and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?"

The first guy says, "I don't know."

The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know sh*t?"

A blonde, a red head and a brunette were competing in the English Channel Breast Stroke Competition.

The redhead won and the brunette came in second. However, there was no sign of the final contestant. Hours and hours went by causing grave concern and worry. Just as everyone was losing
hope, the blonde finally arrived.

The crowd was extremely happy and relieved to see her. They
embraced the young girl as she came ashore. After all of the
excitement died down, she leaned over to the judge and whispered,
"I hate to be a bad loser, but I think those other girls used
their arms."

Theres a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde, all stranded on an island.
The first day they look north for land, and they don't see anything.
The second day, they look to the south for land, but don't see anything.
The third day, they look east for land, but again, don't see a thing.
Then, finally the fourth day, they see land to the west.
First the redhead tries to swim across to land, but drown's quarter of the way.
Then, the brunette tries, but only gets half way, then drown's.
Finally the blonde tries. She swims three quarters of the way, gets tired, and swims back to the island

n e christmas jokes?

A father and his young son are visiting the zoo. They round the corner and see the elephant enclosure. The son rushes over and is gaping wide-eyed at the big bull by the time his father gets there. "Dad! Dad! What's THAT?" he asks, pointing at the pachyderm's erection. "Oh", says the father, "that's the elephant's penis." The son looks at his father rather confused and says, "But Mom says it's nothing." "You have to remember, son, your mother is a very spoiled woman!"

OK HERES 1...AND SORRY ABOUT THE LAUNGUAGE...ALTHO ITS NOT BAD...SOME MAY DEEM IT TO BE...


little boy goes rushing into the kitchen.....'mum mum ' he says pulling at her apron....'can i have a prawn?'......

'a prawn!!.' his mum replies.

'yes mum can i have a prawn...'

'no you cant son.....we dont have any prawns...'

but the boys having none of it...' mum mum can i have a prawn pleeasee.....nan has got one...'

'we dont have any prawns son...your nan doesnt have a prawn....'

so the boy very frustrated says ..'ok mum il show you'....and takes his mum by the hand and leads her into the livingroom....and there on the sofa the boys nan has fallen asleep with her clit between her fingers..

so the boys triumphantly says ' look mum... a prawn!'''

'no son thats no prawn' says the mum...but before the mum could explaine..the little boy replied.

' ohh ......it tasted like a prawn!!.

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his
retirement 25 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast.

"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My
eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball, I
can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit
down, she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and
give it one more try."

"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred
and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his
eyesight is perfect."

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with
his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and
squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" replies the brother-in-law. "I have
perfect eyesight."

"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.

"I don't remember."

ok ok this joke is kind of mean but it is funny if you have a sense of humor..

What did the blind and deaf child get for christmas?

Cancer lololololol

And another mean joke..

There was a 13 year old that has been blind all of his life. One day he walks up to his mother and goes mom i wanna see what you see. So she goes ok hunny here is the trick, on March 31 right before you go to bed, you have to pray for 2 hours, and when ya wake up you should be seeing perfect.. So March 31 comes and instead of praying for 2 hours he prays for 4. Saying " God i just want to see the world" etc etc. Then he falls asleep. Wakes up next morning and runs to his mom screaming, MOM! MOM! it didnt work she said Oh yeah sorry hunny April fools. hahahaha

i told the deaf, dumb and blind kid joke earlier on this thread and it was instantly deleted by a forum mod.

go figure...

That may be because there are several disabled members on this site.

Probably no blind ones, but I know there are deaf ones, and I stopped doing the impatient 'zzzzzzz's a long time ago, when I realized that at least one of the slower players here lives in a wheelchair and has to control his computer with very limited motor function.

jokes slowed down lol. i would say 1 cant think tho lol. n e 1 wanna tell a joke??

ynot12.......i can see your point....that has been discussed b4....1 mans joke is another mans tourture....altho 2 jokes up is a d d n blind joke..!!! go figure??

spilari......good point m8.....(was 'the prob no blind ones'....a subliminal joke in itself???...hmmm)...but if u take 1 joke aimed at deaf dumb n blind out...cos some find it offencive...then u can take most jokes out...as im sure this site has blondes in....mother in laws...or even ppl that like prawns!!!.......this isnt directed at u in any way m8.....

MODS.....can u explaine how this can happen in a joke thread?...does seem a bit ....one rule for one and one for the other....

more jokes