an irish girl goes home tells her mum she pregnent.........shocked the mother says u sure its yours

boy comes home from school with some home dad asks what u got there son.....son i have to find out the diffrence between theory and reality. dad says thats easy son go ask your mother if she would sleep with the posy man for a million pound....so son go asks his mum and she says of course i would son so he goes back and tells his dad.......now go ask your sister....son comes back yea she said she would dad..........well there u go sone in theory were sitting on 2 million in reality were living with a couple off slappers

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha luv it

If you need to know the difference between involved and committed, think of eggs and bacon.

The chicken is involved, the pig is committed.

Life before computers :
Memory was something you lost with age,
An application was for employment,
A programme was a show on tv,
A cursor was someone who swears a lot,
A keyboard was a piano,
A web was a spiders home,
A virus was the flu,
A hard drive was a long trip down the motorway,
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived,
And if you had a 3-inch floppy....well you just hoped & prayed no b****** found out .

i luv poppin into this page to see the latest jokes.

Keeps the grin on this scouse cats face.


x x x

Moving all jokes here

mishka88
Member # Posted: 6 Feb 2008 11:31
Reply Quote Edit Delete

#10 you can trade an old 44 for a new 22

#9 you can keep one gun at home an one on the road

#8 if u admire a friends gun and tell him so,he will probably let u try it out a few times

#7 your primary gun doesnt mind if u keep another gun for backup

#6 your gun will stay with u even if u run out of ammo.

#5 a gun doesnt take up alot of closet space

#4 guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 a gun doesnt ask "do these new grips make me look fat"

#2 a gun doesnt mind if u sleep after u use it

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON A GUN IS FAVOURED OVER A WOMEN

u can buy a silencer for it!!!

CMpokergenious
Member # Posted: 1 Feb 2008 08:07
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You all probley heard this joke before but here it goes:


A man and his horse rode into town on friday they stayed for 2 nights then rode home friday how can this be??????



staxpaper
Member # Posted: 1 Feb 2008 08:32
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the horses name was Friday

Roob
Member # Posted: 1 Feb 2008 09:13
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Now this is a real lame joke


There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.: ))

Lara
Member # Posted: 5 Jan 2008 13:01
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DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS!

An old, white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, I don't think you understand. I want something very special.
" At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check.
I know you need to make sure my check is good so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very agitated jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man,

"but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

Lara
Member # Posted: 5 Jan 2008 13:02
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An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said,
"Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations.
I've changed my will three times!"

Lara
Member # Posted: 5 Jan 2008 13:04
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A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."


Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.

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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife .
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!
Forward this to all the guys for a good laugh, and to all the ladies who have a good sense of humour.

GrandeMaster
Member # Posted: 5 Jan 2008 13:05
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Ever seen the movie Constipated?
No...
It's not came out yet.

Lara
Member # Posted: 5 Jan 2008 13:06
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A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when
the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that
flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow
passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and
said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"

Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the
same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a
flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.
Why do you suppose that is?"


The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea,"

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know ****?"

Lara
Member # Posted: 5 Jan 2008 13:08
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An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living the last of his life in a nursing
Home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if
there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Wallace, "My Private Part died today and I am
very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she
replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace, please accept my condolences."

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private
Part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.

"Mr. Wallace," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like
that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."

"But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Wallace, "I told you yesterday that my
Private Part died."

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"

(You are going to love this !!!!!)

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

"Well," he replied, "Today's the viewing."

Lara
Member # Posted: 5 Jan 2008 13:20
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Have you all stopped to think where you fit in this equation? From a
strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this: What makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people
who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over
100%. How about achieving 103%? Heres a little mathematical formula that
might help you answer these questions:

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R $ T U V W X Y Z is represented
as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,
B-U-L-L-$-H-*-T
21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you:
A-$-$-K-I-$-$-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = a whopping 118%!!!!

So one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:
While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close and Attitude will
get you there, Bullsh*t and A$$ Kissing will put you over the top!

Lara
Member # Posted: 5 Jan 2008 13:21
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Nine Husbands

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously
divorced nine husbands


On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle,
I'm still a virgin".


"What?" Said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been
married nine times?


"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me
how great it's going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure
how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it
and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked
out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had
the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process
but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new
state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 ! was from Finance and Administration; he thought
he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he
was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"

"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"

"You're a Tax Man...... This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"

Lara
Member # Posted: 5 Jan 2008 13:23
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What Starts with F and ends with K?


A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principals office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principals eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"



Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... "

Lara
Member # Posted: 5 Jan 2008 13:25
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Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
"Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?" When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny, who was her friend, sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret. The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"
But Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt. "Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The nun fainted.......

Lara
Member # Posted: 5 Jan 2008 13:28
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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter
"What are you doing?"
She asked.
"Hunting Flies"
He responded.
"Oh. ! Killing any?"
She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.



Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"
He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.

Lara
Member # Posted: 5 Jan 2008 13:31
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Hope this finds you all happy & healthy today

When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer
section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson
~ Be very sure you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the
curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open
the package and remove the thermometer.
Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.
Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully.
You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized ".

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,
"I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer Quality Control Department at Johnson & Johnson."


Have a nice day & remember , there is always someone else with a job that is more of a pain than yours !

Lara
Member # Posted: 5 Jan 2008 13:34
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Guy in a bar buys a pint then takes out a photo from his top pocket, looks at it then puts it back.
He does this every time he has a pint. After the 8th pint barman asks him "why ?"
the man replies "its a picture of the wife and when she looks good enough to f**k I'll go home".

Lara
Member # Posted: 5 Jan 2008 13:35
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Harley Davidson died and went to heaven and was boasting to God how he had created the best motor bike in the world! God disagreed, saying BMW's were a better designed bike! Harley said "What the f**k do you know about design - You created woman and look at all the problems we have with them!" "Ahem" says God "I think you'll find a lot more men riding my f***ing creation than yours"

Lara
Member # Posted: 5 Jan 2008 13:38
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The Perfect Password


We all know about passwords!!!



A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's' attention.

So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in


P...

E...

N..

I...

S...




His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

***Password Rejected ... Not Long Enough***

Lara
Member # Posted: 5 Jan 2008 14:35
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THE FIVE STAGES OF DRUNKENNESS

Stage 1 - CLEVER
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known
universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your
knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always right.
And, of course, the person you are talking to is very wrong.This makes for
an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER.

Stage 2 - ATTRACTIVE
This is when you realise that you are the most ATTRACTIVE person in the
entire bar and that everyone fancies you. You can go up to a perfect
stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in
mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person about any
subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in the room. You can buy
drinks for the entire bar because you have a bottomless wallet. You can also
make bets at this stage because of course you are still CLEVER so,
naturally, you will always win. Anyway, it doesn't matter how much you bet
because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy,
in the knowledge that you are clearly the most ATTRACTIVE person present.

Stage 4 - INVINCIBLE
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those
with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because you are now
INVINCIBLE. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people
who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or strength. You have
no fear of losing this battle, because as well as being INVINCIBLE you are
CLEVER, you're RICH and you're more ATTRACTIVE than them anyway.

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do
anything,because you are now INVISIBLE. You can dance on a table to impress
the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot
see you. You can also snog the face off them for the same reason.You are
also INVISIBLE to the people who want to fight you. You can walk through the
street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you
and because you're still CLEVER you know all the words.

Lara
Member # Posted: 5 Jan 2008 14:36
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THE FIVE STAGES OF SOBERING UP

Stage 1 - STUPID
As you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy the headache, the churning
stomach and the cold sweats, you realise that you have lost not only several
hours of your life but also the ability to concentrate on anything
whatsoever. You are now STUPID and will remain so for a minimum of 12 hours.

Stage 2 - UGLY
Never entirely happy with the effects of the bathroom mirror first thing you
are horrified to discover that you have now become even UGLIER than you
previously thought possible. Not only have you got bloodshot eyes and a
glorious collection of spots but you are shaking so much that your
grandfather probably looks healthier. Unfortunately you are still too STUPID
to know better than to try and shave whilst shaking.

Stage 3 - POOR
Having crawled out of bed and got dressed you are about to shamble out the
door when you discover that the money that was to last you the week is now
missing from your wallet. Being STUPID, you have no idea what happened to it
but the traces of curry on your clothes allow the possibility that you might
have treated everyone to a takeaway at some point. Alternatively your pocket
could have been picked or you might have given the taxi driver a fifty pound
note by mistake. Rationalising that you couldn't possibly have been that
STUPID and that you would remember being robbed, you come to believe that
you were the only one who bought any food or drinks all night and start to
loathe all your friends.

Stage 4 - FRAGILE
As you are now STUPID, UGLY and POOR, your consequently FRAGILE self-esteem
plummets. Your already FRAGILE physical condition ensures that you feel
liable to shatter if anyone even speaks to you.

Stage 5 - CONSPICUOUS
This is the final stage of sobering up. Unfortunately, everyone can spot
this CONSPICUOUS condition and its cause from a great distance. Even worse,t
hey know that they can complete your misery by making fun of you, and that
you are too STUPID to retaliate, too FRAGILE to hit them, too POOR to bribe
them and too UGLY to hide.

Lara
Member # Posted: 5 Jan 2008 14:46
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ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION



"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Parisi?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may
as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Volpe?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Joey
Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You
cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and
whispers,

"What'd you get?"

"4 months vacation and five good leads."

Lara
Member # Posted: 5 Jan 2008 14:50
Reply Quote Edit Delete

WOMEN'S A** SIZE STUDY


There is a new study about women and how they feel about their a**es, the results were pretty interesting:


30% of women think their a** is too fat............

10% of women think their a** is too skinny......

The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they wouldn't trade him for the world.

Lara
Member # Posted: 5 Jan 2008 15:18
Reply Quote Edit Delete

=================================
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...
===============
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's
still on my desk... sorry....

===============
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not
Bill Gates, dammit!
===============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every
time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the
printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer
still says he can't find it...
===============
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
===============
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there
another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...
===============
Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a
capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
===============
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
===============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
===============
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver
on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
===============
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I
get the circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good
point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window,
and his printer is working fine."
===============
And last but not least...

Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at
the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the
screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

===================================================

There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This
is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; May I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"

Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall. Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"

Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power...................................... A power failure?
Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too f*%king stupid to own a computer".