> Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the
> school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he
> followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate
> embrace.
> Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly
> contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his
> mother. 'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw
> Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went
> back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and
> then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped
> Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane....'
>
> At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this
> is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for
> supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when
> you tell it tonight.'
>
> At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny
> to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at
> the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods
> with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt
> Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then
> Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane
> and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle
> Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the rigs.'
>
> Mummy fainted!
>
> Moral:
>
>
> Sometimes you need to just shut the f##k up and listen to
> the whole story before you interrupt!

#5 downtown
#6 lucky split
#7 he's beside himself
#11 six feet underground
#12 glance backwards
#13 tricycle
#14 reading between the limes
#15 cross roads
#16 3 degrees below zero
#17 neon lights
#18 just between you and me
#19 1 in a million
#20 broken promise
#21 you are out of touch
#23 jack in the box
#25 up before 8
#26 just around the corner
#28 making up for lost time
#29 standing ovation
#30 i understand you undertake to undermine my undertaking

you may have noticed that i only did the easy ones lol

Paddy asks Murphy ' Why do scuba divers fall off their boats backwards ? ' to which Murphy replies ' You thick t*** Paddy , if they fell forwards they'd still be on the f****** boat ! '

Two cows in a field


The first cow goes

mooooooooooo

Second cow says,

You b****** I was about to say that

There's a nun waiting at a bus stop.. finally the bus arrives and she hops on, looks around and notices that she is the only passenger.

So she turns to the driver and says in her sweetest, most heavenly voice.

" good evening to you Mr bus driver, i am Sister Mary, i was wondering if you could possibly do me a favour?"

" Of course sister, i am always willing to help out the servants of the lord"

" well she says, it's a little embarrising, but, well... i'm sort of dying, and i have been a nun all my life. I was wondering if, maybe you would have sex with me before i die, just so i can experience the thrill?"

The bus driver looks shocked, but slowly nods his head.

" of course sister, it would be an honour"

"there are 2 conditions" says the sister
"Firstly, you can't be married as i wouldn't want you to commit adultery and ruin the chance of you getting into heaven"

"I'm not married" replies the bus driver

"and secondly, you will have to put it up my bum as i would like to die a virgin, so as not to ruin my chances of getting into heaven"

The bus driver again looks shocked but nods his agreement.

So he parks up in a lay by and takes sister Mary to the back of the bus, bends her over and slips it into her wrong un..

After a good 10 minutes the bus driver finally shhots his load, pulls out and immediatly starts to cry..

"I'm sorry sister, but i lied, i'm married and even have 2 kiddies, i'm so sorry"

"That's ok my son......

"My names Frank and i'm on my way to a fancy dress party"



Sorry if your a nun, a bus driver or called Frank...

Lmao good1 bluffmaybe

Lmao u mad git bluff, but lets try and keep it clean for the forum. Could you not have at least mentioned tissues and the obligatory wipe?

sorry, forgot abot that bit...

Little Johnny runs home from school, burst into the house and shouts..

"mum, mum, mum.... i had sex with my geography teacher today"

His mum looks up in shock, grabs him by the ear and drags him into his fathers study..

"tell your father what you have done " and with that walks out leaving father and son alone..

"Dad, dad, dad... today i had the sex with my geography teacher, but i think mum's really mad at me now"

His father looks at Johnny, opens his arms and offers the boy a hug....

Son.. today you became a real man, and i think that now is the time to let you have your brothers bike.. go out to the garage and take it for a spin my son...i am so proud of you.

With this Johnny promptly burst into tears..

His father, confused asks.. but Johnny, i thought you'd be happy. I know how long you've waited to ride your brothers bike..

Johnny, face red and streaming with tears looks up at his father and says.. i am daddy... it's just, i can't ride it right now... my bum hurts.

2 parrots on a perch.. one turns to the other and says...

Can you smell fish?




2 fish in a tank.. one turns to the other and says....

I hope YOU can drive this fcukin thing

A dwarf walks into a pub.. falls into a table, stands up, staggers up to the bar and throw's up all over the barman..

The barman turns to him and says... "ear mate, you alright fella?2

The dwarf looks up at him,, shrugs and says...

"yeah, sorry about that, i'm just a little drunk"

well had a shock the other day, the mrs has decided to get a tattoo of a shell on her nether regions, so me being me put my ear to and found out that I could hear the sea as well as smell it

prostitute doing her tax returns. She puts down prostitute as her job, The tax man says you cant put that down as it is illegal. ok then, put chicken farmer, and how do you figure that out says the tax man, well she says last year I raised over 1.000 cocks last year

shaunieboy lmao m8 heres 1 i heard today

bannana says to vibrater what the **** u shaking for

shes going to eat me

old sailor puts his uniform on for one last time and takes a walk down by docks where he hires a prostitute and goes back to her room.
after 20 minutes he asks how hes doing to which the prostitute replies about 3 knots, the sailor looks confused and says 3 knots she said
your not hard
your not in
your not having your money back

just got banned from b&q some t### in an orange suit asked me if i wanted decking luckily i got the first punch in

lmao howard oldy but a goldy as they say

nice one blade lmao

The Frog and Golf



THIS IS HILARIOUS!
DO NOT SAVE - PASS ON

A man takes the day off work and
Decides to go out golfing.


He is on the second hole when he
Notices a frog sitting next to the green.




He thinks nothing of it and is
About to shoot when he Hears,




Ribbit 9 Iron.'



The man looks around and doesn't
See anyone.




Again, he hears, 'Ribbit 9 Iron.'




He looks at the frog and decides to
Prove the frog wrong, puts the
Club away, and grabs a 9 iron.


Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup.




He is shocked.




He says to the frog,




'Wow that's amazing.


You must be a lucky frog, eh?

The frog replies,




'Ribbit Lucky frog.'


The man decides to take the frog
with him to the next hole.

'What do you think frog?'




The man asks.




'Ribbit 3 wood..'

The guy takes out a 3 wood and,
Boom! Hole in one.




The man is befuddled and doesn't know
What to say.




By the end of the day, the man golfed the
Best game of golf in his life and
asks the frog,




'OK where to next?'
The frog replies,




'Ribbit Las Vegas .


' They go to Las Vegas
and the guy says,




'OK frog, now What?'




The frog says, 'Ribbit Roulette.'




Upon approaching the roulette table,




The man asks,




'What do you think I should Bet?'




The frog replies,




'Ribbit $3000, black 6.'

Now, this is a
million-to-one shot to win, but
after the golf game the man
Figures what the heck.

Boom!




Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and
buys the best room in the Hotel.




He sits the frog down and Says,




'Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and
I am forever grateful.'

The frog replies,

'Ribbit KissMe.'
He figures why not,

Since after all the frog did for Him,




He deserves it.




With a kiss, the frog turns into a
gorgeous 15-year-old girl.




'And that,

your honor, is how the girl
ended up in my room.




So help me God
Or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton.'

Mary and Bob have just moved house and want to get involved in the local community, so they decide to go and speak to the priest as they feel the church would be a great place to start.

They explain to the priest that they want to join his church so that they can get to know more people in the town.

" We don't just let anybody into the church my friends" says the priest.

"you have to prove that you can be a good christian and a servant of God"

"OK" say Bob and Mary "What would we have to do?"

"abstain from sex for 1 month" says the priest " and then come back and see me and we will let you into our church, all going well.......


So 1 month passes and we're back in the priest office...


" How did you get on Bob?"

"well, i'll be honest with you father, it was tough. The first week was no problem, and the second week i watched quite a lot of porn on the internet. The 3rd week i had no choice as she was on the rag, but the 4th week, well, actually father, it all went a bit wrong.

" What happened Bob?"

" Well father, i was so horny all week and yesterday, dear, sweet, sexy Mary dropped a cabbage and bent over to pick it up, being a warm day, she was only wearing a short little dress and as she bent over she revealed to me the most beautiful sight ever known to man... i couldn't help myself father, i took ahold of her, ripped of her panties and took her from behind.. it was the best sex of my life if i'm honest Father."

Well, Bob, Mary, i'm afraid this means we will have to ban you from the church...

That's funny says Mary... yesterday we got banned from Tesco..........

The agent asked, 'What's your name?'
The guy said, 'My name is Penis van Lesbian.'
The agent said, 'Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name.'
'I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever.'
The agent said, 'Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you.'
'So be it! I guess we will not do business together' the guy said and he left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...
'Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation, once again many thanks.









Thank you for your advice..
Sincerely,
Dick van

Dyke

Opinion!


A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food
shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure.


In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant,

In India they didn't know what 'honest' meant,

In Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant,

In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant,

In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant,

In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant,

And in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant.

A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright - but after a few months he gets lonely...

The pig starts to look more and more attractive - soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating.

One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health. Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it."






The guy thinks for a minute and says, "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"

pairs

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME &
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she
opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are
you? Just look at you...you have no legs!

The old man smiled, 'And therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'

Again, the old man smiled, 'And therefore, I can never beat you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in
bed???'

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,

'Rang the doorbell, didn't I?' :wink:

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt???

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says,'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well,thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an Intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.
Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn,Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt.The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition who was nick-named Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.
Sincerely,

Twelve Irish priests were about to be ordained.
The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained
because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Timmy.
Poor Timmy. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.
Embarrassed, Timmy quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.

He bent over to pick it up....

.......then all the other bells started to ring.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg with a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would be Samaritan and yelled, 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'
The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.'

Haven't read that last 1 yet swampy but the one b4 is a cracker lmfao

how do you annoy lady gaga???


poke er face!

hovis ...

whats the difference between a tyre and 356 condoms
1s and a goodyear and 1s a bloody good year

Little Johnny is always being teased by the neighborhood boys for being stupid.....Their favorite Joke is to offer little Johnny a choice between a nickel and a dime......little Johnny always takes the nickel.

One day, after little Johnny takes the nickel,a neighbor takes him aside and say's," Johnny, those boys are making fun of you ".
Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger.

Little Johnny grins and say's "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far i've made $20.