Please feel free to add your own!!!! Lets make this a happy place.......


Love The Irish
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

test

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.
'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'

hahaha

nice work J

Paddy was in New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumb founded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest...

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

Mary Clancy
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says to her, "What's bothering you, dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible! But he was always cheating on you, wasn't he?"

"Yes, that he was." she replied.

"So, at least that's over, now isn't it?" said the priest, trying to find at least a little good in Mary's time of woe. "Tell me," he went on, "did he have any last requests?"

"That he did, Father..."

"What did he ask, Mary?"

"He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that gun!'"

A visitor goes in to a bar in Boston (the small village on the East coast of the US not the hustling metropolis on the East coat of the UK). He orders a beer, sits at the bar and strikes up a conversation with a couple of his neighbours at the bar and the bar-tender. After a round or two he says:

"I've got an Irish joke I'd like to tell you"

The bar falls silent and the bar-tender, seeking to avoid a disturbance says in his brogue

"Now sir before you tell your joke you might like to think about this.

"You're in an Irish bar in an Irish neighbourhood in town. Mebbe 90% of the patrons here are Irish and indeed I'm Irish meself. So do you really want to tell this joke"

"Oh thanks for the warning I'll tell it slowly then"

Irish Medical Dictionary

Artery.... The study of paintings

Bacteria..............Back door to the cafeteria.

Barium...................What doctors do when patients die.

Benign..............What you be, after you be eight.

Caesarean Section.......A neighbourhood in Rome.

Catscan.................Searching for Kitty.

Cauterize...............Made eye contact with her.

Colic......................A sheep dog.

Coma............A punctuation mark.

Dilate....................To live long.

Enema....................Not a friend.

Fester..........Quicker than someone else.

Fibula.....................A small lie.

Impotent................Distinguished, well known.

Labour Pain..............Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff............A Doctor's cane.

Morbid..................A higher offer.

Nitrates...................Cheaper than day rates.

Node......................I knew it.

Outpatient.............A person who has fainted.

Pelvis...................... Irish Cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative...........A letter carrier.

Recovery Room............Place to do upholstery.

Rectum...................Nearly killed him.

Secretion................Hiding something.

Seizure.....Roman emperor.

Tablet...................A small table.

Terminal Illness..........Getting sick at the airport.

Tumour...................One plus one more.

Urine....................Opposite of you're out.

2 x Condoms.........To be sure, to be sure

Two Irish friends leave the pub. One says to other, 'I can't be bothered to walk all the way home .' 'I know, me too but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home.'

'We could steal a bus from the depot.' replies his mate. They arrive at the bus depot and one goes in to get a bus while the other keeps a look- out.

After shuffling around for ages, the lookout shouts, 'What the are you doing? Have you not found one yet?'

'I can't find a No. 91'

'Oh Jeysus, ye tick sod, just take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the roundabout.

Way down in the back of beyond in Ireland, Murph's old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come. He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said, "Hey, Murphy! You just had you a son! Ain't dat grand!!"

Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!"

The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Murphy! You got you a daughter!!!! She a pretty lil ting, too."

Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't got done yet!"

The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Murphy, you just had yourself another boy!"

Murphy said to the doctor, "Doc, what caused all of dem babies?"

The doctor said, "You never know Murphy, it was probably something that happened during conception."

Murphy said, "Ah yeah, during conception."

When Murphy and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?"

She said, "Yeah, I remember dat night..."

Murphy said, "I'll tell you, bye, it's afookin' good ting we didn't use dat WD-40!!"

Ok it's time to start on the Welsh

Richard and Patrick were coming out of a pub in Wales one evening when Richard spotted a Sheep with its head stuck in the railings.
"Look at that Paddy, we cant miss a chance like that" says Richard

So Richard walks up behind the sheep, drops his trousers and does this business.

Richard then says "Okay Paddy its your turn next"

So Paddy drops his trousers and stuck his head in the railings......

TWO IRISHMEN IN A BLIZZARD

2 Irishmen are out in a blizzard, and they meet each other. then the first one asks:
man 1:what are you doing out here?
man 2:im looking for my wife. what are you doing?
man 1:im also looking for my wife
man 2:then we could look together.
man 1:sure why not... so how does your wife look like?
man 2:she is tall with long legs, shes blonde has a big round butt and good boobs, so how about your wife?
man 1:screw her lets look for yours!

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman and a Welshman were travelling in an aircraft that went out of control and was about to crash.

To their dismay, they discovered that there were only three parachutes in the plane. The Scotsman argued that he ought to have one since he was a very important businessman whose death would result in the collapse of the stockmarket.

The Welshman handed him over first parachute and he baled out.



Next the Irishman argued that he should be given a parachute. He was an important politician upon whom all hope of peace in Ireland rested. The Irishman silently put the straps over his shoulders and he jumped out after the Scotsman.

The Welshman now turned to the Englishman and handed him a parachute. 'Here you are' he said cheerfully.

'But what about you?'
gasped the Englishman, amazed at this unflinching heroism.

'Oh, I'll be all right' said the Welshman. The Irishman took my haversack'.

An Irish man, a Scots man and an English man are all standing at the foot of a very tall building.
The English man says he thinks he could drop his watch from the top and run down the stairs and catch it.
The others think they could too, so they all go to the top.
The English man goes first, drops his watch and runs down the stairs but when he gets to the bottom he sees his watch smashed on the ground.
The Scots man goes next, drops his watch and runs down the stairs, he just misses catchuing his watch but it still smashes.
The Irish man goes next, drops his watch and walks down the stairs, he arrives at the bottom, not out of breath and casually looks up to easily catch his watch.
The others look puzzled and ask how he did it.
"well it was easy, my watch is a couple of minutes slow"

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him on the seventh day, resting. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds "Look Michael, look what I've made." said God. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people,"

God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a small land mass and said "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's the Isle of Man, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and hills. The people from the Isle of Man are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hardworking and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!" God replied wisely," Wait until you see the w*nkers I'm putting next to them.


I call them 'English'"....

An Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?' The drunk shouts, 'Yes, oi am.'

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?' The drunk replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.'

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus me brother?' The drunk again answers, 'No, oi I haven't found Jesus.'

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'

(Are you ready for this????) The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, 'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'

Confucius Says:



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in
Front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind
Car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one
Chopstick go hungry..
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch butt
Should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many
Prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not
Determine who is right, war determine who is
Left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put
Husband in doghouse soon find him in
Cathouse.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who drive like
Hell, bound to get there..
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in
Glass house should change clothes in
Basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in
Other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

..

an english man an irish man and a scottish man are on a ship and it suddenly gets taken over by pirates so they jump into three empty sacks to hide. a pirate comes and kicks as sack with the english man in. the englishman woofs so the pirate thinks its dogs and moves on... the scottishman gets kicked next and he yelps "miaow" so the pirate thinks it must be cats... the irishman seeing the other two people cunningness, thinks and thinks and ten minutes later a pirate kicks the bag, the irishman yells "POTATOES"

..