On a warm summer evening in the Village country garden, the annual Villagers summer fete came to TFPR.... Totally resplendent in Doc martens, cheese cloth shirt, wrangler jeans and primani braces Denisey cut the ribbon from Boo's hair to officially declare the fete open... Her wonderful speech, obviously penned with great deliberation here in its entirety... "Wheres the bloody beer tent?, I'm parched" she cried her new pink candy floss hair swirling majestically in the breeze as she kicked dogs and small children out of the way in her rush for an alcoholic beverage...
Wandering around lazily observing the fun all seemed to be enjoying, this reporter spotted an antipodean visitor to the gathering.. "A few words for village news please G?.. what do you think of our quintissentially british fete?" asked politely.." G'day mate, wheres the bloody Barbie? throw a bleedin prawn on it" his only reply as spittle and partly masticated porridge covered his distinctly flowered shirt, and he belched loudly...
Hearing the word "Barbie, and "prawn" in the same sentence, sent EP scuttling away to hide behind the coconut shy Mumbling to himself as only a mumbles prawn can mumble....
Many villagers and honoured guests from around planet TFPR stared in amazement as Cobra arrived being pushed on a bed, her head stuck to the pillow screaming fitfully " Tensssssssss, I need tensssssss of paracetomol!!!!!" before clucking like a chicken madly and throwing a hissy fit..
"Let me through, Let me through" said Boo.."I know about chicken snakes" as he pulled a sock from his pocket and presented it to cobra "here cobs, this should help" his knowledge of snakes clearly not as voluminous as he was preaching, or he would have realised snakes dont have feet.....
Smiling in her most matriarch like manner, Hilary politely offering tea to all as they passed her stall.. "Herbal anyone?" in her softly spoken voice... " I'll take a gallon of herbal" Den was heard to mutter as he floated across the Patio before noticing the lush lawn sprawled in front of him.." Wow, look at all this grass" he uttered, and proceeded to pull out his pipe for a smoke.....
Anto bumbled into Hilary's tea tent and asked for a mint one... at which utterance his sheep turned tail and hotfooted it over the hills and far away....
Emi's rock cake stall was doing an amazing trade as she sold them to fete goers in order that they could use them on her coconut shy.. And true to her entrepreneur style, Emi also brought along pairs of false teeth to sell to those unwary enough to attempt eating the cakes instead of throwing them....
Denise spotted a Firefly buzzing around her head, and proceeded to swat it with her empty Malibu bottle, before turning to Sepheryn "your an angel, now buy me another drink(hic)".. To which Seph in a somewhat resigned voice replied.. " my names Sepheryn not Seraphim"... "well you can both buy me a drink then" was Denise's immediate retort...
Sneaking around in a sly manner an adolescent wearing an England66 T-shirt attempted to buy a shandy from Barman Dev, but was outed immediately as underage.... The fact his stuck on beard blew off in a gust of wind, his school satchel was dragged along at his heels, cut off jeans patched all over and he produced the driving licence of his girlfriend Eve, did give Dev a few clues to his true identity....
But without doubt the true finale of this glorious evening came with the most amazing live performance ever seen in the Village...
Zam, dressed in full macedonian transvestite regalia had the audience rapt as he blew his own trumpet repeatedly, and danced the unique "morris Ballet" with all the grace and style of a dyslexic Llama.. Zams bells swinging wildly, Denise belching in tune, Cobra hissing the words, and EP clicking his claws whilst looking around constantly in case G had managed to light the Barbie....
A great day out for all the village family and friends that will undoubtedly be repeated when they are all released from the asylum in the distant future...
FOOTNOTE: Winner of the raffle.. Anto.. A Kinder egg.. This should give him many years of joy as he attempts to open it and build the extremely complicated toy within....
