I was recently asked to be The Best Devil at the wedding of Rich and Julia, and although I couldnt be there in person for pressing personal reasons.. I was stealing finny's chips, eating smoggy's cake and cutting my toenails that day.. I would like in retrospect to leave you all with the speech I would have prepared if I could be bothered...
"I think it's fair to say that currently I feel like I've moved from the witness bench to the dock as I stand here before you, and yet I'm not the one who has been sentenced here today, sorry! That should be married. Still, as my jury I feel obliged to put the case for my defence before you.
When Rich asked me to be his best man he dulled the fear I would experience by plying me with a few vodka's and offering me a tenner. I told him I couldn't be bought, so then he offered me twenty-five quid, and I asked him if he thought I was cheap. Finally he offered me fifty quid."
"So good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, my name is Dev and I'm the best man!!"
"Rich and I first met about a year ago when we started cheating at poker..err playing poker on the same site . Back then at the table he was always known as a 'dog'(or God for those of you not dyslexic); you would never see him, he was holier than thou, and if he did play any poker it was a bloody miracle!
How Things have changed!!.. He's lost all his hair as can be seen from his table avatar, his holier than thou attitude has been replaced by holey socks since julia spent all his money on new shoes and fairy outfits.. And as for poker, well, as can be seen from the mountain of bingo pens given as wedding presents.. enough said about that I think....
Apparently, it's my duty to offer a small piece of advice to the groom, and Rich will be pleased to know that a successful marriage can be compared to football, 'be fully committed every week and make sure you score every Saturday' however, Julia assures me that playing away from home could result in a serious groin injury and is definitely the quickest way onto the transfer list!!
So with all this good advice flying around I decided to ask Rich what he was looking for in a marriage; he replied Chip sharing, nights out at a pole dancing club ,a new pair of socks, and a river rat. One out of 4 isnt bad in these difficult times I think you will all agree?...
When I asked Julia the same question, she thought for a moment and replied a 'perky copulator', sorry, I mean a 'coffee percolator'. I gave her one of the two and someone else made the coffee...
At this point its traditional to read a few of the cards, so heres a small selection of the literally 3 that were recieved...
'Dear Rich, from all of us at Madame Thrashards spanking emporium we hope you have a great day. Ps many thanks for your annual subscription cheque.'...
"I think they are considering a whip round for you Rich"
'Dearest Richy willy, I miss your hairy arms, your tender loving ways, the way you whispered raise dear in my ear. I realise I am a loser in love, but I will never forget those wonderful evenings we spent together by the pool. Love forever, Michael Barrymore'.. "Hovis was forced to use this psyeudonym in order to stay out of the public glare"
'Dear Rich and Julia, Wishing you every happiness on your wedding day, unfortunately owing to unforeseen circumstances I can't be there with you to celebrate your day in person. Lots of love, Osama Bin Laden.'
"It therefore gives me great pleasure to invite you all to charge your glasses, and be staggering as we toast the new couple some marshmallows... Mr & Mrs Fairywillwyopodopolous, the bride & broom, ladies & gits, 'the bride & broom'." |
